New Year: Same Old Me

So it's a brand new year, and I'm waist deep in my annual funk - that's my fat waist! Every since I can remember, this first week of January gets me down. As a kid, I never wanted to go back to school after the long winter break. As an adult, especially since my kids are in school, I never want to go back to work after being off with them for so long. The extra few pounds I always seem to pick up this time of year don't help either. You see, on a 5'2" frame, 5 pounds actually changes your dress size. So at this point, nothing really fits me very well, it's cold and dark outside, I feel like I spent too much money over the holidays, I've exercised maybe twice in the last 4 weeks, and I'm not loving work. Thus the funk.

I have to sign up the kids for summer camp next week. I'm not sure why this has to be done so early in the year, but nevertheless, this adds to my anxiety. Having to dish out 50% of the cost for camp, trying to figure out which week during the summer we'll taking off for "vacation". Then I jump to the if-I-didn't-have-to-work-I wouldn't-have-to-deal-with-dumping-the-kids-in-summer-camp guilt. It's just a painful reminder that I work because I have to and not because I want to. I was so lucky growing up. My mom was home when I got off the bus every day, and I got to have a Spring Break and a Summer Break every year. My kids "get" to go from before care, to school, to after care. And when school's on break, they go to full day camp. I hate that.

I see my kids for a few hours each night and it usually goes something like this . . . "Did you do your homework, good, let me check it. How about you spell that word correctly when you write it since it's typed right there on that page. Can you please hang your coat up and put your water bottle in the sink? No you cannot download that app, no I will not put a canopy on your bed, can you not hang on the dog like that? Can you please sit still and just eat your dinner? Put your dishes in the sink please. OK, 20 more minutes of ICarly and its right to bed. OK it's 8, go up get showered and get to bed. Love you, see you in the morning. What do you want? Go upstairs and do not come down again. Goodnight." It's pathetic, I hate it and I don't think it's going to change. I hope they forgive me someday.

The other half of my funkalicious state is weight and body image related. I started back with Pilates (at least for 5 more once-a-week sessions - thanks, Mom!) I'm also back to my Tuesday night ballet class. But seriously, after seeing myself in the mirrors tonight in class, I may not go back until I lose at least 5 pounds. Right now I'm a disgrace to the art if you ask me. Doesn't help that I also seem to be eating everything in sight. Started out respectfully this morning with my bowl of oatmeal. Lunch was a salad and potato chips. Then I polished off 3 granola bars and some popcorn in the office this afternoon. Also not disastrous, but when I got home from ballet, I raided the brownie pan, had lots of leftover wonton soup, vanilla ice cream and a Hershey bar. Good news is that like every good little manic dieter, I've managed to clear out all the junk food for tomorrow (by eating it!)

I picked up a new book the other day. Actually, thanks to my gadget-loving husband and my new Nook e-reader, I picked up a new e-book. A Course in Weight loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering your Weight Forever. Perhaps this will give me a new perspective on the whole eating debacle.

Sorry this post of all over the place. Money, work, food, exercise. Had to all come to a head someday. All that said, yes I have things I need to work on. They are mostly within my control and I have to choose to commit to change them. I can do it. I just wish it were easier.

Despite my rants, my life is pretty great. I have a wonderful family and great friends that I love very much and who love me for the chubby, working mom that I am. Funk or no funk.