Sunday, January 17, 2016
According to my last post, which I wrote on my 1 year CrossFit anniversary - I never dreaded waking up at 4am and going into the gym every morning. NEVER EVER was it a struggle. I truly looked forward to it. In August of 2015, I celebrated my second year of CrossFit. I could have written the same blog that day.
A couple of months ago something changed. Not sure if it's my body, my mind or my heart. Probably a combination of all 3. But I find myself not being my happiest when I'm at what used to be my happiest of all places. I'm constantly trying to analyze the why's. Am I not performing like I used to? Is my coaching getting stale? Am I helping anyone? Does anybody really care if I show up or not? Am I really cut out for this? It's starting to wear on me. Something's missing. Feel like I don't fit in. My body is not cooperating. Workouts aren't fun. I'm stressed out. I catch myself being isolated and distant. Not present.
I competed a week ago. My first individual competition in almost a year. Thought it would be good for me to get back into the thrill of the sport. I think it backfired. I didn't do nearly as well as I expected. Another disappointment. Finding it really hard to see the positives.
I'm trying to make some changes - adjustments to my schedule, my workouts, my environment, most importantly my attitude. So far it's not working. But I'm hopeful things will turn around sooner than later.
I want nothing more than to find that spark again. That passion that effortlessly got me out of bed before 4am. I'm afraid to fall further down this rabbit hole of insecurity and indifference. I know that this CrossFit way of life and the community are good for me. I have been transformed over the last 2 years for the better. That I know for sure.
I've heard people talk about burn-out. I know that's a possibility. I'm just not sure how to react to it or what I do to turn it around. I'm desperately trying to find my smile again. If you happen to see it - please return it to me. I may cry a little, but it's all good.