10 Weeks Post Op - Mind games

So much has changed since my last post.  And yet so much has not changed at all.

The crutches and brace are history.  I'm still going to PT twice a week.  I have as much pain and difficulty moving around as I did before surgery (if not more).  I'm told that is normal.  I'm trying to be patient.  Meanwhile my body is changing.  I'm losing muscle.  I'm gaining fat.  Workouts are programmed at my gym and I'm not doing them.  Maybe twice a week I will "workout."  I end up feeling busted for several days afterwards.  Not only my hip and the surrounding area, but the rest of my body as well since my workouts are so few and far between.  I get that "OMG I can't move and everything hurts" sensation at least once a week.

I am back to coaching, thank goodness.  Being able to do what I love and help other athletes to improve their fitness has definitely been my saving grace this last month.  I'm still feeling a little disconnected from everyone because we're not "in the trenches together".  There's something very bonding about doing workouts with people vs. watching people do workouts, or hearing about other people's workouts when you can't participate.  It's always nice to be able to relate to your athletes when you've done the same workout an hour before you coach them so you can give them some personal insights about what they are about to experience.  There's something special about being able to execute a movement with good form to demonstrate to your class - and there's quite another when you attempt to get into the proper position and you have to apologize for not being able to . . . and you hope like hell your words are sufficient and your athletes can use their imaginations and that you're not giving them a less-than-optimal class experience.

I'm still wondering if surgery was the right decision.  I can't help but wonder where I'd be if I hadn't had the surgery.  I know that I am only about halfway through my recovery (maybe less) and that I still have a lot of healing to do.   My impatience definitely gets in my way often.  I have started to seriously consider the possibility that I may not be able to continue doing CrossFit in the manner I trained before and that makes me crazy.  I am so grateful for the people around me who do their best to try and make my experience a little more pleasant while I continue this journey. I have so much more to accomplish!!   I know what my end goal is, and I just have to pray that I can get there without losing my mind the in the meantime.

10 Days Post-Op

The deed has been done.  Can't undo it now.  I have had the surgery.  Uneventful.   No real pain at all.  Just immobilization of my hip and no bearing of weight on my right leg.  Seems simple enough right?

Try these seemingly mundane tasks that I can't do by myself:

1. Fixing yourself anything to eat or drink 
2. Getting into the shower 
3. Shaving your legs  
4. Tying your shoe  
5. Feeding the dogs
6. Driving anywhere

Here's the short list of what I can do all by myself:

1. Go from the couch to the toilet and back
2. Take my brace off and put it back on
3. Use my laptop (assuming it's within my reach)
4. Use the TV remote (same assumption as above)
5. Recline in my new power recliner
6. Eat what I can grab with the fridge open

I am starting to go a little bit nutty during the week with the isolation and lack of ability to do anything.  I'm having a hard time asking for help.  My friends and family have been busy with their own lives.  They still have their normal obligations so I understand that they can't be waiting on me hand and foot.  

I go see my surgeon tomorrow for the first time since my surgery.  Hoping he has some good news in terms of increasing my activity and/or starting PT.  I know I'm whining, and this will all have a happy ending.  At least that what I'm praying for.  Just sucks being in the throes of it right now.  The weather has been gorgeous, I'd love to be outside a little and continue to be as active as I'm accustomed to being.  Feels like I'm missing out on life but I guess this is my life right now.  I need to just deal with it and know that it's temporary.  I am thankful for my friends and family that are making this time a little more bearable for me.  I know I'm not the most fun to be around lately.

Here's to finding the strength and patience to be OK.

Operation "Pre-Op"

So I have decided after almost a year to go under the knife and fix my hip.  Most of you know I've had a labral tear and some worn out cartilage, but when the prospect of surgery and being out for 4-6 months was presented to me last summer I thought hmmmmm . . . maybe it's not that bad and I should just try to work around it.  It's not like I can't walk or function day to day.  I just can't do a lot of what I'm trying to do while training.  So a few injections later and numerous physical therapy companies and sessions later, I've come to the conclusion that it's not getting any better and my training has hit a wall.  And I'm not quite ready to give up my hopes of becoming really competitive at CrossFit. And I'd like to not need a hip replacement when I'm 50.

So I'm taking a HUGE leap and will have surgery June 10th.  I'm told I can't do anything for 10 days which is when I go back to see my surgeon and get my stitches out. After that my hope is to start pretty intensive therapy as well as some kind of conditioning to stay active since it will be many months before I'm back to full CrossFit activities.

The procedures I'm having include a fix to the tear (which is actually pretty minor), some reshaping of my femur (which is causing some discomfort in flexion - sort of like an impingement but not really) and the big daddy of them all  - micro fracture which should add some scar tissue to the layer of cartilage that is missing and causing most of my discomfort and presumably holding me back the most.

Dr. Kropf does this surgery quite often and with much success.  He also has extensive experience with athletes (mostly professional actually) and he understands how aggressively I'd like to rehab.  Not just the hip, but the rest of my body so when the hip is healed, I'm ready to go.

My recovery will include 4-6 weeks of no weight bearing activities,  And it will be 6 months before I'm back to full impact activities.  For those of you that know CrossFit - this means muscle snatches, muscle cleans and push presses, will be my staple barbell moves for awhile.  No push jerks and no power anything, no "landing" in a quarter squat or full squat on anything. This also means no running or box jumps, which actually is Ok with me (hate them both!)

I think the hardest part for me to accept is the amount of assistance I'll require while recovering.  I was on crutches last fall for a minor ankle sprain and man did it suck!  This is going to be 100x worse and I cringe at the thought of needing to be waited on, and driven places, and just not having much independence at all.  I will want to be back coaching (even if it's me just giving cues while reclining) as soon as possible.  I'm going to miss my routine terribly.

So while I may not be able to participate in the 2017 Open, I'm definitely hoping to be competitive in 2018 season.

With that, I hereby declare the next 30 days "Operation Pre-Op".  I will be taking this next month to focus on my strength and endurance in an effort to be in great shape by June 10th.  I will be focused on eating well, working out "smart", stretching,  and sleeping.  Wish me luck!

#hopethisworks

Wakey Wakey

According to my last post, which I wrote on my 1 year CrossFit anniversary -  I never dreaded waking up at 4am and going into the gym every morning.  NEVER EVER was it a struggle.  I truly looked forward to it.  In August of 2015, I celebrated my second year of CrossFit.  I could have written the same blog that day.

A couple of months ago something changed.  Not sure if it's my body, my mind or my heart.  Probably a combination of all 3.  But I find myself not being my happiest when I'm at what used to be my happiest of all places.  I'm constantly trying to analyze the why's.  Am I not performing like I used to?  Is my coaching getting stale?  Am I helping anyone?  Does anybody really care if I show up or not?  Am I really cut out for this?  It's starting to wear on me.  Something's missing.  Feel like I don't fit in.  My body is not cooperating.  Workouts aren't fun.  I'm stressed out.  I catch myself being isolated and distant.  Not present.

I'm scared.

I competed a week ago.  My first individual competition in almost a year.  Thought it would be good for me to get back into the thrill of the sport.  I think it backfired.  I didn't do nearly as well as I expected.  Another disappointment.  Finding it really hard to see the positives.

I'm trying to make some changes - adjustments to my schedule, my workouts, my environment, most importantly my attitude.  So far it's not working. But I'm hopeful things will turn around sooner than later.

I want nothing more than to find that spark again.  That passion that effortlessly got me out of bed before 4am.  I'm afraid to fall further down this rabbit hole of insecurity and indifference.   I know that this CrossFit way of life and the community are good for me.  I have been transformed over the last 2 years for the better.  That I know for sure.

I've heard people talk about burn-out.  I know that's a possibility.  I'm just not sure how to react to it or what I do to turn it around.  I'm desperately trying to find my smile again. If you happen to see it - please return it to me. I may cry a little, but it's all good.